What Goes Up

New script for Brown Bag next quarter. Tried to stretch myself a little with this one. It was really fun to write, and I hope you enjoy it!

Craig Steele (M)
Dr. Albright (F)
Mr. Steele (M)
Setting: Psychiatrist’s office (desk, two chairs, one in front, and one behind it, couch)

LIGHTS UP
Dr. Albright is sitting behind the desk, Craig is sitting in front of it facing her.

Craig: Come on, Doctor, you can’t be serious.

Albright: I am completely serious. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Craig: Look, there’s gotta be something.

Albright: You must accept that this is who you are. (Pause) How long have you been coming to see me, Craig?

Craig: Four months, but—

Albright: Twice a week for four months. And your initial complaint?

Craig: Well, nothing really definite.

Albright: When you walked into this office for your first appointment, for what reason were you seeking help?

Craig: Bad dreams.

Albright: And…?

Craig: I would get nauseous in public for no reason.

Albright: And…?

Craig: (Lamely) That’s it.

Albright: And do you still have bad dreams?

Craig: I don’t remember. That’s the problem!

Albright: Do you still experience nausea?

Craig: No, but—

Albright: Then my work here is done. As long as you stay on the medication, life can continue as normal. You should be relieved.

Craig: Well I’m not! I’m worse, I know it!

Albright: Is this an unrelated problem?

Craig: Not exactly.

Albright: If it is an unrelated problem to the previous issues we have been addressing, you need to talk to my secretary and she can fix you up with a new set of appointments—

Craig: No, no, it’s related! It fits right in.

Albright: We can discuss this at our next meeting. If you could just go to front desk—

Craig: Dr. Albright! Listen to what I am telling you!

Albright: All right, Craig. I’m listening. Perhaps I’ll be able to recommend a new psychiatrist.

Craig: No, it has to be you.

Albright: We’ll see about that.

Craig: Please, doctor. I’m asking you on a professional level, as a patient. Something is not right with my head and, well, I think it might have something to do with the—the work we’ve done here.

Albright: I hope you’re not blaming the practice, or, Heaven forbid, me personally for this new development.

Craig: No! Well, maybe. I think it has had something to do with it.

Albright: Let’s think of this as progress being made.

Craig: I don’t know about that… things have certainly changed, but I’m not convinced that they’re for the better.

Albright: Perhaps this is a minor side effect to the drugs we have you on. I believe the pharmaceutical company lists dizziness, loss of appetite, and minor insomnia among typical side effects. Are you experiencing anything of that nature?

Craig: Nothing like that at all.

Albright: Odd. Please continue.

Craig: Here’s the deal. I think I might legitimately be going crazy.

Albright: I pride myself to think that I would have known that even before you did. I’m a trained professional.

Craig: Yeah, but this is serious. Like, weird shit.

Albright: Would you care to elaborate? Here, why don’t you take a nice lie-down? (She indicates the couch. There is already someone lounging there.)

Craig: Jesus!

Albright: Something wrong?

Craig: Yes! This is exactly what I’m talking about!

Albright: I don’t believe you ever fully explained.

Craig: (Slightly hysterical) You’re right, I haven’t been dreaming so much, I’ve been sleeping better, no problems there. I wake up and I don’t remember a thing, I might as well have been in a coma. But then I open my eyes and I wake up to shit like this!

Albright: There is nothing there, Craig. What do you see?

Craig: I know there isn’t! But… I see my dad, but he doesn’t exactly look like my dad, he’s—not quite right.

Steele: Catch, boy! (He pelts a hacky sack at Craig.)

Craig: Ow! Shit!

Albright: What happened?

Craig: Bastard threw a beanbag at me! Look! (He picks up hacky sack and shows it to her.)

Albright: Very nice. Your father is in the room now?

Steele: (Wildly) Meow, oh baby! What a sweet rack o’ lamb! Come to papa!

Craig: Hey, that’s my shrink you’re talking about! He just insulted you.

Albright: Oh? What did he say?

Craig: (Embarrassed) Oh, he was just being lewd.

Albright: How long as he been in the room?

Craig: I only noticed him when I turned around. He could have followed me in for all I know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you: I used to dream about him the most, especially when the treatment started. And it’s like he’s jumped out of the movie screen and into my lap.

Albright: You know, our dreams are manifestations of our deep-seated fears and desires, come to life by simply taking on that which is familiar to us in our waking hours.

Craig: Yeah, but they’re not supposed to walk around and talk smack and throw shit.

Albright: What do you think your father represents for you? Your fears or your desires?

Craig: I don’t know. When I was a kid I really admired him, he was always such a big guy, always joking and causing trouble, but it was basically harmless.

Albright: Clearly some negative impression has been left in your psyche.

Craig: Well, yeah, it’s dumb… I think I let him down. I couldn't be that crazy dude, it just didn’t feel right.

Steele: Boy! I said catch! (Throws another hacky sack, Craig reacts as if intent on ignoring him.)

Albright: Perhaps your fear and desire is, in this case, one in the same: that you might some day turn into your father.

Craig: Well, I don’t want to be him, that’s for sure.

Albright: Why not?

Steele: Yeah, why not? You ungrateful brat! Never knew how to take a chance.

Albright: Go on, Craig.

Craig: Right, sorry. He’s distracting.

Albright: Has he always been this distracting?

Craig: Well, yeah, he—

Albright: Or this alluring?

Craig: Alluring? What are you talking about?

Steele: Oh, yeah, that’s right, you know you want a piece o’ big papa.

Albright: Please continue.

Craig: Wait, what did… Nevermind. What was the question?

Albright: Why don’t you want to be your father?

Craig: He just wasn’t… wasn’t that great a guy. When I got older I realized that he’d always sort of treated me like crap. It was like he was waiting for me to grow up, but then when I did, he didn’t like what he saw. I always felt like this massive disappointment.

Steele: And for good reason, ya twerp! Be a man for once in your life!

Albright: And so you suppressed your feelings of self-loathing and shame.

Craig: Hey, I never said that, that’s taking it a little far—

Albright: Because you couldn’t live up to your exciting, sexy, voracious hunk of a father. Not even close.

Steele: Gimme a little challenge, sweet thing, you’re making this too easy. (She lets her hair down/unbuttons top button and perches herself on the desk invitingly.) But I’m no fool. (He goes to embrace her.)

Craig: No! No! This is wrong! All wrong!

Steele: Outta my way, kid. (He knocks Craig aside and goes to Albright, who beckons him into her arms. Craig falls to the floor and curls up in a ball.)

Albright: Come to mama! Go on to bed, Junior. (She and Steele start giggling and doing things that would lead to naughtier things if the scene were to keep going. [This can involve kissing lips, neck, arm, whatever the actors are comfortable with].)

Craig: Yes, mommy. (He crawls onto the couch and curls up on his side, as…)

LIGHTS DOWN