Monday, September 19, 2011

Party Animal

This is a script I wrote in the spring for the Brown Bag class, but it wasn't accepted. I can see why. Anyway, here it is anyway.

Various Party Goers and Extras, including SLOW GUY and LOUD GUY.

Setting: Common room at a frat house. A beginning of term party, a couple groups of people, including a game of beer pong set up upstage.
Two girls enter.
PEG: Why are we here again?
VICKIE: Because we need to get the most out of our college experience!
PEG: I was planning on doing that in the library, not at some stupid puke fest. Please, Vickie, let’s just go back to the dorm.
VICKIE: Peg, as roommates, we are supposed to face our first year here together, to celebrate little victories, and to lean on each other when times get tough, or hold each other’s hair back if need be.
PEG: Is anyone here even over twenty-one?
VICKIE: Someone had to get the beer. Come on, at least pretend to have fun. For me? (She pulls PEG over to one of the groups, two guys holding red cups.) Hey guys, wild party, huh?
DUDE 1: Last year’s was better.
DUDE 2: Yeah, remember when Josh got all those freshman chicks to jump in the pool?
PEG: Sounds like a bunch of lemmings to me.
DUDE 1: Speaking of freshmen, you two look like fresh meat.
VICKIE: Oh, no, we’re not freshman! We transferred in, so yeah, we’re new and stuff, but we’re cool.
DUDE 2: Sure, whatever. You got names?
VICKIE: Yeah! I’m Vickie, and this is Peg—
PEG: Leave me out of it.
DUDE 1: Whoa, chill out, man.
PEG: (Pointedly at Vickie) I’m not really into the party scene, that’s all. I’m more of a coffee shop person.
DUDE 2: Slam poetry and shit, right?
PEG: Uh, yeah.
VICKIE: Well, I love parties! They just make me wanna break out and go crazy! Hey, what are you drinking?
DUDE 1: Let me mix you something. I’ll be right back. (He starts moving towards a table with bottles and cups.)
PEG: (Pushing Vickie after him) Go with him! Make sure he doesn’t slip you anything!
VICKIE: Jesus, okay! (She goes.)
DUDE 2: You really should relax a little. Everyone’s just here to let off steam and have fun.
PEG: I told you, I’m not in my natural environment.
DUDE 2: Okay, let’s start over. I’m Johnny.
PEG: Peg.
JOHNNY: Right. So, uh, what’s your major, I guess.
PEG: (By wrot, has said it a thousand times) Anthropology, minor in zoology.
JOHNNY: So you dig on animals.
PEG: …Was that a pun?
JOHNNY: It wasn’t supposed to be… was it?
PEG: Nevermind. What’s your major.
JOHNNY: I’m into a lot of stuff at the moment.
PEG: So you’re undecided?
JOHNNY: The whole major thing is stupid anyway. How are we supposed to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives when we can’t even decide what movie to watch? There’s way too much pressure from society, man. (He downs the rest of his drink) You want anything?
PEG: No thanks. (VICKIE and DUDE 1 return.)
VICKIE: Woo! I am having SO much fun!
JOHNNY: Dude, what did you put in that?
DUDE 1: Vodka with a splash of juice.
PEG: You watched him make that, right?
VICKIE: Peg, relax! Just let go! Come on, Drew, show me how to play beer pong.
DREW: Whatever you say. (He shoots Johnny a thumbs up.)
PEG: What a creep.
JOHNNY: He’s not so bad. (Tense silence.) So…
PEG: What?
JOHNNY: What, uh, what do you like about anthropology?
PEG: (Slightly taken aback at further interest, but recovers quickly.) Oh, well, it’s pretty much based on evolution, you know, how new species came about, how there’s a common ancestor for everything, that sort of thing.
JOHNNY: Yeah, I remember something about Darwin from my bio class in high school. It was alright.
PEG: Aside from that, though, some people just act like animals.
JOHNNY: How do you mean?
PEG: The vibe they give off, the stuff they do, how they hold themselves. I people-watch a lot, and it got to be a game I play with myself.
JOHNNY: How do you play? (Suddenly an argument arises at the beer pong table.)
TOUGH GUY: (Beating his chest with his fist) You wanna go?
PEG: (Pointing at tough guy) Okay, take that guy, for example. What does he remind you of?
JOHNNY: I dunno, a gorilla, I guess.
PEG: Yeah, now you pick someone for me.
JOHNNY: Okay, uh… How about this guy? (Points at a slow-moving guy who walks up to a bystander.)
SLOW GUY: (Speaks slowly) Hey, you wanna smoke some weed?
PEG: Definitely a sloth. (Someone at the game behind them scores a point.)
LOUD GUY: Ha! Yeah!! In your face!!
PEG: Him?
JOHNNY: Oo, tough one. Gorilla again?
PEG: No repeats. Think, what animal has loud displays of victory?
JOHNNY: (Doesn’t even try) I give up.
PEG: A hyena!
JOHNNY: Yeah, I guess works.
PEG: Well, you didn’t have anything. (The attention turns to Drew and Vickie, who are dancing together. Drew sinuously ducks and weaves.) Your buddy looks just like a snake to me. Just look at him.
JOHNNY: Yeah, well, if Drew’s a snake, your friend is a dog in heat.
PEG: Looks like they’re perfect for each other. (Another awkward silence.) Sorry.
PEG: God, I wish they were.
PEG: Animals. I wish they actually were animals. It would definitely be more fun than this. (During this and the next few lines, the party-goers slowly become the animals they most resemble, unnoticed by PEG. Perhaps a lighting change.)
PEG: Total pandemonium. Can you imagine?
JOHNNY (Noticing) Whoa…
PEG: Too bad that’s completely impossible.
JOHNNY: Uh, Peg?
PEG: Yeah?
JOHNNY: It’s not so impossible.
(They both turn to see the mayhem around them. The gorilla is on the table, knocking over cups, snorting and showing dominance [perhaps at another gorilla, perhaps at the only humans left in the room]. The hyena prowls the edges, waiting for the fight to be done to take his share. The dog (VICKIE) is rubbing her butt against something; the snake (DREW) finds a place to survey the scene, looking for unsuspecting prey. The sloth just hangs from something, scratching himself.)
PEG: Oh shit.
JOHNNY: Isn’t this what you wanted?!
PEG: Keep your voice down! We don’t want to startle them. Come on, lets get out of here. (The gorilla fight moves to in front of the door.)
JOHNNY: Got a plan B?
PEG: Who am I, Dian Fossey?
PEG: Shut up, I gotta think! Come on, think think think. (VICKIE comes over to JOHNNY and looks up at him, smiling and wagging her tail.)
JOHNNY: Hey, she likes me! Hey there, girl. (He holds his hand out for her to lick. She starts humping his leg.)
PEG: You got that right.
JOHNNY: (Completely helpless) Oh—uh—hey, could you—shit, um—
PEG: No! Bad dog! Git! (VICKIE scurries off with a scolded look)
JOHNNY: Thanks.
PEG: Don’t worry about it. I’ve wanted to do that for a while.
JOHNNY: Hey, what if we pretend to be animals? You know, blend in?
PEG: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Fine, you think of something!
PEG: No, that’s not a bad idea. Follow my lead. (She gets on all fours and starts crawling toward the door, the gorilla conflict having moved elsewhere.)
JOHNNY: Yeah, real convincing. Here, like this. (He crouches and starts walking like a chimp, leaning on his knuckles.)
PEG: That’s pretty good.
JOHNNY: Please, have you seen Dunston Checks In?
PEG: Is that a nature documentary?
JOHNNY: What a sad childhood you must have had.
PEG: Just get us out of here!
(Suddenly a lion roars offstage. All the animals exit or hide except PEG and JOHNNY, who freeze where they are.)
PEG: Don’t. Move.
(A police officer enters.)
OFFICER: We’ve had a noise complaint from this address. Having a party?
JOHNNY: Uh, yeah, sorry sir.
OFFICER: Well, keep it down, okay?
JOHNNY: Yes sir. (The officer exits. PEG and JOHNNY look at each other.) You wanna get some coffee some time?
PEG: Maybe. I’ll see you around. (She exits. DREW enters.)
DREW: Hey man, thanks for dealing with the pig.
JOHNNY: That was no pig.